Unleash your funny side, listen to Mike Tyson and, most importantly, get typing...
Well, you've only gone and got yourself a Twitter account, Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow). Obviously not content with being a mere Oscar-winner, internet lifestyle impresario, celebrity chef, Cee Lo Green tribute act, and queen of all things mung bean, you have decided to add "Twitter guru" to your CV. Sadly your first tweet ("This is my first Tweet!") didn't exactly set the world alight. You need to knuckle down, Gwynie.
Keep the serious stuff for your lifestyle blog, Goop, Twitter is all about the jokes. Luckily you seem to have a handle on this. When it was reported that you were looking for a tutor for your children who could teach Ancient Greek, Latin, French, Japanese and Mandarin, on top of giving sailing and tennis lessons, you responded with: "Looking for tutor for kids. $195K per day. Must speak french, Lebanese, farsi, mandarin, creole, finnish and ebonics. Send resume to @jimmyfallon". ZING! Tweeters around the world gasped in unison - Paltrow had done a funny.
Connect with fellow parents
In your recent cookbook you have included quotes from your children, seven-year-old Apple ("I'm not gluten free but I like gluten free food") and five'year'old Moses. Twitter is a brilliant medium for parents to swap stories. Whether it's nappy changing advice from @nicolerichie ("Cuz nothing compares . . . nothing compares to poo") or thoughts on being a role model from @mike tyson ("I want to always stay in shape because I want to be a positive influence in the lives of my children") the wisdom is all out there, waiting for you to plunder it.
As the late Roy Castle once sang, "Oh-oh, dedication's what you need." This applies to Twitter every bit as much as setting up a record-breaking domino run. Seven tweets in your first two weeks of having a Twitter account is a terrible return. We want to hear what you're having for breakfast, how Madonna has stood you up to go out with her latest boy toy and that Chris has left his undies on the bedroom floor again.
Lots of Love @scouserachel written for guardian
Author: / Posted: 12-06-2011